Working with the Dying

Tantra: The Magazine Sophia 1992, Issue 3 Back Cover.....

The artwork is called "Dying", and it is an oil on linen painting by Alex Grey, 1990

Several years ago, I felt the strong call to work with the dying coming from my inner voice. At that time, I was so afraid of death that I was very fearful to even meet someone who is dying. Then everything changed as my friend David invited me to visit him in hospice as he was dying of cancer.

When we are faced with someone we love who is dying, it brings up our own, very human fear of impermanence and our own death. We start asking ourselves, how we would handle this situation and what would I do. We like to push that thought of our lives ever ending aside and rather not think about it ever. We hide the dying in separate facilities. 

Another factor is that the surrounding family besides dealing with the reflection on their own impermanence, are trying to come to terms with a person leaving the physical plain forever, and how life will go on without them. So there is always a lot of emotional  - and spiritual - tension in a setting such as hospice.

That said, it is a good place for an energy or light worker to do healings and learn in the process. I followed my calling eventually and did a hospice volunteer training. I drove 45 minutes each way twice a week for six weeks to complete this training, and that after a full day of work. It was worth it! Not only did I come to terms about my own grief and relationship to death, but I learned techniques of listening and compassion that I could add to my energy healing experience to work with the dying and their families. I met a druid shaman during the training who shared a story with me how he was with a dying woman and kind of went on a shamanic journey through a tunnel with her to help her go into the light. He said it was kind of funny as they were at the beginning bouncing flying around all over the place not having any control over their movements for a while. It made them laugh and she transitioned peacefully. Another experience I had was when I was able to light a candle to honor my deceased father and others. That night, when I drove home, I was thinking of all the loved ones that had left this world and asked them for a sign that they did get my greetings of love when I lit the candle. At that moment, the song “ Put a candle in the window” came on at the radio station I listened to:

Put a candle in the window,
'cause I feel I've got to move.
Though I'm going, going,
I'll be coming home soon,
Long as I can see the light.

The words struck a cord in my heart and I knew it was from them.

Some experiences working in hospice

When people who are dying are in a hospice facility, they know they are dying and the next time they leave this place will probably be in a body bag. This causes for many depression, fear, anger, and so on. There is a lot of literature out there on what happens emotionally and physically to the dying.

Being with someone who dies who you have just met is sacred. They are sharing a very personal experience with you, so it is important to honor that. What I found was most helpful when I was visiting someone is to find some common ground, a topic that you could talk to them about and make them comfortable. For example, once I was sent into a room of a very crumpy old WWII veteran who immediately said he did not want to talk or receive energy healing. As I picked up on him having been a soldier during WWII, I told him that I was German. Surprisingly, he lit up, he told me how he landed in the Normandy during WWII with the second round of Allied forces to arrive, and that he had been to Germany, and how he thought German soldiers were tough fighters.  Even though it made me feel slightly uncomfortable, I went with it and listened to his stories. In the end, he said: “ See, you being German, that was something that we made a connection with each other. I am an old angry man, but this worked. But now I cannot talk anymore.” I hope I made his day a little bit more pleasant.

Another time I went into the room of a man who was no longer conscious. His wife sat next to him and looked stressed. As soon as I said I was a hospice volunteer here to visit and how she as doing, she opened up saying: "I just wish he would die, it has been too long and it is hard. But I cannot talk to my friends or family about this. They would feel this is insensitive.” Talking about this with me helped her to let go. Then I asked her about some good memories with her husband. She said they were both part of the Free Masons and so I learned a lot about the history and culture of the Freemasons that day, including that they also have a women’s chapter. She laughed and was proud and in the end she said she felt much better.

Another time I wanted to give someone some reiki as he was shaking like crazy and had an anxiety attack. He was not open to reiki, so I looked around his room for clues for his interests and discovered a lot of tae kwon do things. So I started a conversation about his involvement with tae kwon do. He was a master teacher and very proud of his accomplishments. During our talk, he slowly started to relax, while I also gave him some gentle reiki by just touching his arm.

Using energy work with the dying

I have had wonderful experiences doing energy work with the dying. I feel and see them relax under my hands, and just let go for a while of their thinking and emotional baggage. It often helped with their pain as well.

In one instance, I was giving reiki with another practitioner to a man with a terrible hiccup who was unconscious and looked very serious. Suddenly, once I had put my hand on the crown of his head, he started to smile, he had the biggest smile on his face! The other practitioner and I looked at each other in amazement. Once I moved my hands to a different body part, his smile disappeared. The other practitioner and I were convinced that with me putting my hand on his crown chakra, we opened the gate and he was able to see the light on the other side. He died two days later.

Another time we were working on a woman who had a big frown on her face and the nurses told us she was dying for the last six weeks and just not let go. We gave her some reiki, her facial features relaxed and once we stopped, we saw her body flinch. We wanted to continue but her daughter would not allow us to do it. So we went into the chapel of the hospice, the other practitioner and I, and just did a meditation sending reiki to all the people in the respite house and opening the gate to the light. We visualized a column of light between us. Twenty minutes later, the nurse came in and told us the woman we had worked on earlier had just died. We were able to help her let go.

I have never been present with someone doing his last breath, actually dying. I have only been with people who have been going through the slow process of dying. I have also helped souls in spirit who had not completely crossed over to find their way into the light, by meditating and showing them the way. Those stuck spirits sometimes just make themselves known to me.

What you can do to help the dying

Just today someone asked again what advice they can give a friend whose mother is dying but just does not seem to want to let go. What I tell them is that the loved ones can whisper to them that it is ok for them to let go, that they love them, that the ones left behind will be fine. You give them permission to go into the light to meet ancestors, saying it will be ok. Hold their hands, squeeze them.

If you cannot be physically present with them, you can connect with the dying through meditation. As they are in the in between, they will be aware of your messages that you send to them via thoughts, with your heart. You can imagine meeting them “on the other plain”, in the dream world if that fits into your belief system. All this helps you and the dying person.

If there is unfinished business, as long as the person is still conscious, help them to take care of it. One big thing you can also do is to meditate on them on forgiveness, that they forgive anyone that has harmed them in the past and that they will be forgiven any wrong they have done. You can let them know even if they will be unable at the time of physical restrictions to reunite with a person, they can send them loving kindness in other ways, thoughts, letters, phone calls.

I have read about how you can breathe with the dying but as their respiration gets more labored and shorter this is more difficult to do. Just your loving presence holding their hands and smiling is often enough.

Here are some links that are interesting:

Top five regrets of the dying

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

An article I wrote on my experience giving reiki to my friend David:

http://www.vermontreikiassociation.org/riylife/article_1.html

Down and dirty symptoms of dying patients:

http://www.hospicepatients.org/hospic60.html 
Symptoms of grief and advice:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/effects-of-bereavement.html