Acceptance and Surrender

We all have those moments in our lives where the outside situation we are in is conflicting with our idea of the ideal situation. “Why is this happening to me?”

My perfect day ended in an accident where I broke my leg a few weeks ago. I went from flying high in my joy and playfulness of dancing with wonderful people to lying flat and being homebound within seconds. Thanks to my mindfulness practice, as I sat on the ground waiting for the ambulance, I was able to just be with what was. At that moment, all the other participants of the dance workshop I had participated in surrounded me with their love and compassion, I could feel it in my heart. I did not feel any pain. I think I even laughed. It was like a bubble. I did have that brief moment where I was thinking “Sh%&”. But not while I was sitting and waiting. My friend later told me that she admired me for how I handled this awful injury with such grace.

The last time I was in the hospital for some major surgery, a friend gave me a chapter from Eckhart Tolle’s Stillness Speaks. It talks about acceptance and surrender to what IS happening in the moment rather than wallowing over spilled cups.

He starts with this question:

Whenever you are able, have a “look” inside yourself to see whether you are unconsciously creating conflict between the inner and the outer, between your external circumstances at that moment–where you are, who you are with, or what you are doing–and your thoughts and feelings. Can you feel how painful it is to internally stand in opposition to what is?(p.21)

With acceptance and surrender, Tolle does not mean giving up, but to work with what is on hand, to be present with the “Isness” of life, and try to make the best out of it.

I have come to learn that if we are resisting what is happening in the situation, we are creating more suffering within ourselves than necessary. This resistance makes it more difficult for us to deal with what is by creating inner conflict and stress. The stress in turn may cause tension, heart palpitation and high blood pressure within the body. As Shinzen Young, a meditation teacher, says: “Pain times resistance equals suffering.” Or as one student with chronic pain in my college meditation group once said: Pain is mandatory but suffering is optional.”

But we have a choice, on how we respond, rather than react, to what is going on. We have to realize that often we are reacting. The trick is to be aware that we actually have a choice on how we respond to an unpleasant situation. Instead of being caught-up in the story telling mind that voices the egos complaints – “why me”, “why is this happening” and “I do not want to be here”- we can breathe and evoke our inner witness. We take a step back and start observing what is going on inside and outside of us, with spacious, non-judgmental awareness. We are no longer labeling the situation as good or bad, instead we let go of the story and our ego’s interpretation of it. We accept what is and then can make well thought-through decisions from there.

Do you really need to mentally label every sense perception and experience? Do you really need to have a reactive like/dislike relationship with life where you are in almost continuous conflict with situations and people? Or is that just a deep-seated mental habit that can be broken? Not by doing anything, but by allowing this moment to be as it is.(p.22)

I had my moments of feeling sorry for myself being homebound and in pain with a broken leg. The other problem was I would not be able to take care of my toddler daughter as I am used to. That broke my heart. But rather than getting lost in wanting things to be different, things I have no control over, I looked at what I do have control over, what makes my life more joyful within the limits of having a broken leg and staying at home. I received help from a home health service which showed me how I can slowly learn to do things within my physical limits. Now I am using a wheel chair and can do a lot of things with my daughter and around the house. I am looking at the small progresses I make every day and can say I am content. 

I need to mention though that there are, of course, situations where it is better to get out of as fast as you can. In many cases, however, walking out is not an option. Look at my situation.

Surrendering means, being aware and give the task or situation at hand my complete attention, and not giving up.

One thing I learned from this situation, in regards to surrendering, is to do one thing at a time. Everything takes much longer what I am doing. I have to give it my complete attention when I, for example, use the crutches to get down the stairs or take the boot off my broken leg. Sometimes we are overwhelmed by work, things we need to do or in my case just the length of my projected healing period. It feels like we are at the bottom of a mountain which we have to climb in order to proceed. If we can accept that we are standing at the beginning of the path winding up and can only take one step at a time, we can start the first step of many. And, voila, we can see some progress we are making, as small as it might be. We just have to break it down into sections.

Tolle also reminds us that everything and every moment passes so quickly, all is impermanent. Everything changes, good things and bad. If we realize that, I wonder if that helps us to let go of the expectation that every moment in our life needs to be a happy one.

Even within the seemingly most unacceptable and painful situation is concealed a deeper good, and within every disaster is contained the seed of grace.(p.25)

In my case, I have found the value of community and friends, people that are there for me and my family and help out. I am taking my time to write more in my blog. I am thankful for all of this, to some extent.

I am closing my blog entry with one last quote from Tolle that sums it all up:

Surrender, one could say, is the inner transition from resistance to acceptance, from “no” to “yes.” When you surrender, your sense of self shifts from being identified with a reaction or mental judgment to being the space around the reaction or judgment. It is a shift from identification with form–the thought or the emotion–to being and recognizing yourself as that which has no form–spacious awareness.(p.25)

Used as inspiration for this blog:

Tolle, Eckhart. “Chapter 6: Acceptance and Surrender”. In: Stillness Speaks.

http://www.happierabroad.com/StillnessSpeaks.pdf retrieved 4/24/12